Mercedes Miranda                                                December 31, 2001

LIB 200: Humanism, Science and Technology           Professor van Slyck

                                                               

                       A Brief Reflection Before A Crucial Decision

 

 Dear Parents:

 

              Living with both of you this difficult moment of your lives, I want to offer my help by sharing  my own experience. I know that you are confused, and, at this moment, you don’t know what to say to your friends and family. You may be are blaming yourself for what nature decided to manifest in that beautiful baby that only wants and needs your love, an unconditional love that only you parents can give.

 

     I want [from you] something very special for your baby and indirectly for myself, something that one day your child will thank you for.  I will only take few minutes of your time, even though I wish to take more time to tell you what I have been living through. I know that you are trying to make the best decision for your BABY. I say for your Baby because it is his/her life that is in your hands at the moment and it will be your decision what life that baby is going to live.

 

     My parents were in the same situation forty years ago. They suffered just as you are suffering now. They thought that they were the only ones with this problem, but that is not true. About 2,600 children a year are born with genitals that are not recognizable as male or female (Mahler 1). They were afraid of what their friends would say and of the family’s reaction. My parents were slaves of the norms that society creates and with them in mind they rushed to a decision.

 

     You see they could not separate their feelings and decision from the rules of the society. The question, boy or girl, was too hard to answer for them and for the doctors.

I was the only one who could have answered that question, but I could not talk then. Unfortunately the dominant practice has been rushed and hushed, surgery was the solution to my condition. The doctors created what for them reflected a "normal" genital look  for my body (Mahler 1). Their decision was about my life but they only thought about their lives. They were afraid just like you are now ; afraid of questions, afraid of being different.

 

     I was assigned female genitals but what the doctors created was only my appearance; my feelings were untouched.  My condition was not resolved with that surgery, it was actually made more difficult. My parents never talked about my condition with me, but I could see differences between my body and those of my friends. I never felt  and acted like a girl. My social development was very poor (Gruppusso 1). The relationship with my parents was difficult; they could not accept me. They wanted me to act and play like a girl. I felt stigmatized by my own parents who were uncomfortable with my appearance because I was too masculine (Money 135). At  school I was constantly teased because of my  build  and voice with such remarks as, "She’s got a boy’s face" or "She’s not all girl" (Money 135).

I felt shame many times when I started to feel attracted to girls because I was a girl. I could not talk to anyone; it was too hard for me to express myself. The doctors where my parents frequently took me  had no interest in my feelings. They believed that hormones would help me to develop the feminine body that I did not have and, with this, my confidence as a girl. It did not happen ; I started suppressing my feelings and repressing myself which caused a depression that lasted through my adolescence.

 

        When I was fifteen years old my parents informed me that I needed to have surgery to enlarge my vaginal opening (Laurent 97). I refused to have the surgery and stopped taking the hormones. I was determined to find out the truth about my gender, but my parents refused to give me more information.

 

    After an attempt at suicide I was referred to a wonderful psychologist who was able to listen to my problem and to understand my feelings. She told me that gender identity condition is neither pathological in and of itself, nor is it my fault and its various manifestations will emerge and reemerge throughout my life with or without suppression; and that it is my obligation and responsibility to learn reasonable and secure ways of living my life (Wheeler and Schaefer). It is ironic that I was not able to obtain my medical records until I was 23 years old. All the evidence surrounding my birth was kept secret by the insistence of doctors and my parents (Mahler 1). In my records I found that I was born with ambiguous genitals. Consequently I was assigned to a sex that did not agree with my testosterone. I learned that I was not alone that there were people like me and that my condition has a name.

 

      At present I live as a male because I look and feel like a male even though I don’t have a penis. My life will never be a normal one but I am trying to make the best of it. I always think that if my parents had taken a different approach to my condition many things would have been different for them and me.

 

      Now it is important to me to transmit my experience to people like you that are facing a condition, not a problem. Give to your child the love and support that he/she deserves. It is your decision; do not let society to destroy the life of your child. It is so necessary to be able to speak about this problem that is affecting the lives of so many people. 

                                                                                 

     I believe that we need to learn to live without fear: the fear of being different. We need to educate ourselves and transmit what we learn.  I am a human being and need to be accepted as what I am: a person with feelings and desires; I am looking for a solution to your problem, which is also my problem. The answer is simple but not easy; it will take more than you and me to make it possible.  The only way that people are going to understand our problem and our feelings is if we together fight for the right to be what we are. The best weapon that we can use is communication: we need to talk, to educate. We need to reach people that are being affected. Silence is not the answer; neither is surgery.   

                                            

 

 

Works Cited

 

Jackson, Anne-Marie.  "Teleology: a belief that natural phenomena

      are determined not only by mechanical causes but by an overall

      design or purpose in nature."  Affirmation Gay and Lesbian Mormons

      March, 1996. <http://WWW.affirmation.org/teleogy.htm>.

 

Kessler, Suzanne J.  "The Medical Construction of Gender: Case Management

       of Intersexed Infants" in Gender and Scientific Authority.

       Barbara Laslett, Sally Gregory Kohlstedt et al eds. Chicago and

       London: University of Chicago Press. 1996.

 

Laurent, Bo. "Sexual Scientists question medical treatment of herma

       phroditism." LIB 200 Humanism, Science, Technology: A Seminar

       Syllabus and Readings. English Department. LaGuardia Community

       College. New York. 2001:  96-97.

 

Mahler, Bryan.  "Bringing up Baby." Boulder Weekly   19 Oct. 2000

    <http://www.boulderweekly.com/archive/101900/newsspin.html>.

 

Money, John. The Adam Principle: Genes, Genitals, Hormones, &

      Gender: Selected Readings in Sexology. Prometheus: Buffalo,

      New York, 1993.

 

Wheeler, Christine and Leah Schaefer. Holistic Psychotherapy Treatment

      Model: Highlights and Controversies.  Bavaria, Germany,

       1995.